I have been procrastinating writing a new post for a few reasons. The main reason is one I am about to admit: I was waiting for my life to be ‘blog worthy’.
And really, I have no idea what that even is, but I just didn’t feel like I was achieving enough for anyone to actually want to read this. Before I started blogging, I looked up tips on what makes a successful blog. One that stuck with me possibly unhealthily is “Live a Life People Want To Read About’. This made me feel like I had to catch up with a more put together life, before I could really succeed in this. I planned my future blog posts over things I planned to be in the future instead of who I currently am. This caused me to halt my posts for a few months because I was now far behind on my scheduled life I was supposed to have by now.
So obviously now my life is perfect, so I’m ready to make a post!!!
Okay, that’s not true. Life still isn’t perfect.
Actually, the truth is I have been dealing with some crazy anxiety, and today has been the worst yet. One thing that will continue to be more evident about me is that I am insanely hard on my self.
Today I paid my rent. If you look at the date, you can see I paid it late. I get a biweekly check from my job that comes in the third of the month and the 17th of the month. I had been good at staying ahead for a few months so I wouldn’t have to rely on the one from the third, but this month has been different. I was starving for my check that comes in the third, but due to the third landing on a Sunday yesterday, it transferred to my account today. I woke up early to transfer 90 percent of it to my rent, leaving me with the last ten percent to hold me over until the 17th of February, but then I realized we had to pay the electricity bill. Then, it dawned on me that I am relying on five percent of my paycheck to last until February 17th, and then I had a panic attack. Not because I can’t last with five percent for two weeks, because I absolutely can, but because I am so tired of being in this situation.
I went to sleep last night after calculating exactly how much I would have left after rent is paid, so it was frustrating this morning to realize it was actually less than I planned. That’s the feeling I have been sitting with for seemingly too long: frustrated. If you are reading this with a little knowledge about me, you know I just recently married the love of my life. My ideal life is one that we are equal partners, so it killed me that I wasn’t able to pay my part in time. This morning, as I beat myself up hard for not being where I want to be, I felt awful. I mean, I just got married! All the television shows and movies always told me I’m supposed to have a house by now and planning our first kid, but instead I’m staying up configuring how to live on 5 percent of my paycheck for two weeks. Money is a super touchy subject and I think the main reason for that is we so quickly make it our identities. I was on that mindset this morning. I was so steamed up I felt like I could burst with disapproval of myself. Even as I type this I would be lying if I’m not a little teary eyed. I really can’t wait until this isn’t my current situation.
My first plan to do today was complete a training manual for my job, but my anxiety had other plans. I found myself in my car crying and nearing the Chick-Fil-A drive thru until my senses finally came in: Work off my anxiety at the gym.
Luckily, I was already wearing yoga pants and tennis shoes because it’s basically my uniform at this point (a sign I’m turning into my mother), so I steered the car away from the Chick-Fil-A and it’s delicious waffle fries. I drove to the gym. I wiped off my tears, tied my hair up, and went to the empty locker room to cry a little more. Then I wiped off those tears and started stretching. I walked to the room where they host classes and saw it was empty. There was a punching bag. I have never dared to punch the heavy bag in my life. For one, I don’t have gloves. Also, I was sure I didn’t know what I was doing. But there I was. Punching and kicking the heavy bag repeatedly like my life depended on it.
We have now reached the point of the blog post where I should have some kind of moral lesson for all of this. I write this fully knowing most might read this and just think ‘Wow! You are low on money, so instead of working, you go and punch a bag?’ and yeah that is what I did. But I am proud of myself and I’ll tell you why. I had a crippling panic attack this morning. A really bad one. I’m not used to them either. Anxiety is new to me because it is mostly only money based. I googled it, and it’s called ‘Money Anxiety Disorder’ or MAD ,which is super fitting considering I was super mad to be compelled to beat up a heavy bag for half an hour. Having new found anxiety is really shaking up my system, so today I found a way. I brushed myself off and went to the gym. I worked off my anxiety enough to now be relaxed enough to write about it, and I’m okay.
I’m proud of myself because I found a way to keep me going during these times that may continue to be hard for awhile. One day, I wont be financially strained and that will be wonderful. I have vision boards dedicated to the day I’m not calculating my left over money for the month, but until then, I will kick box. I will lace up my shoes and work off the anxiety at the gym. Then, I will wash myself off and keep continuing towards my life goals. Some days will be easier than others, and I can’t say that I won’t have one of those mornings again, but I learned I can live through it today, and that’s worth blogging about. I think.